By: Richie Watkins
The following is my pitch for a satire of today’s American filmmaking. The issue a lot of people take with modern movies is that there is not enough diversity in the casts. And, when there is, the non-white/non-male characters are still criticized for being either not relatable or embarrassingly stereotypical. This story would point out how to create strong characters, by pointing out the weaknesses in its poorly developed characters, regardless of sex or race.
This story would also satirize the overbearing business model of several corporations, namely their ruthlessness, corner-cutting, and excessive practices.
St. Louis, MO–Present Day
In 2012, the burger corporation Burger Corp bought the rights from now-closed, but once-prosperous, diner Burger Soul to make and sell “Mama Mammoth”–the most beloved cheeseburger in the world. Unfortunately, Burger Corp foregoes hiring actual chefs to make it on a large scale. Instead, they add a bunch of fat and additives. Plus, they serve it with a bunch of unnecessary sides, like hot wings wrapped in bacon and tortillas.
Upon catching wind of the company’s plans, a group of diehard fans of the original Mama Mammoth steal the plans, with the intention of releasing them to the world, and causing worldwide rebellion to Burger Corp’s operation. Alas, they are captured, but not before one of them faxes the plans. But, the rebel leader accidentally dials the wrong number, and instead of it going to his trusted colleague, it goes to a 32-year-old burger flipper named Jeff.
Jeff discovers the plans, encoded with a message to a man named Joe. Jeff seeks out the only Joe he knows of–the former owner of Burger Soul. They band together with a female warrior, Justine M. Powers, to rescue the rebels and take down Burger Corp once and for all.
Jeff: He has always thought it’d be cool to do something with his life, “like buy a house or something”. But what he really wants to do is be a pro burger tester. Jeff is easily amused, but he is not easily impressed by just any burger. That is why he despises his job at Burger Corp. “It just doesn’t have the soul!”, he says. Jeff speaks and reacts passively, but leave it to a girl to bring out his true emotions! Jeff will be played by Owen Wilson.
Justine M. Powers: Strong, independent, and perfect in every way, Justine is determined to take down BurgerCorp, because they forcefully demolished her sprawling family neighborhood to make way for a kid’s playground that connects to an adjacent BurgerCorp restaurant (there’s 12 in St. Louis alone). Her family severely injured, she vows revenge. She is also the love interest of Jeff. Justine would be played by Chloe Grace Moretz.
Joe: Lost his sense of taste 10 years ago, so he sees Jeff as the key to making amazing burgers again. Joe hates everyone, except for Jeff and Justine. If he doesn’t think you’re a worthy successor to his legacy, or extremely attractive, he will make fun of you. He can be a real grouch, but is also very encouraging to Jeff. Joe loves to reminisce about the good old days, and complain that he’s not as good as he once was at making burgers. Joe would be played by Danny DeVito.
Max Million: The CEO of Burger Corp, Max wants to be Joe, but progressively becomes angrier every time he realizes he’s not. True to his health nut persona, the angrier he gets, the less he eats. He always sends his henchmen to chase Jeff, Justine, and Joe, and constantly holds meetings to tell his henchmen about where to attack our heroes next. He would be played by Andy Samberg.
Asian Rebel Leader: His goal is to tell everyone about BurgerCorp’s operation support system. Ken Leung would play the Asian Rebel Leader.
Black Rebel: His goal is to make everyone laugh, but always fails. He later realizes that his goal should be to make a difference in the final fight, and actually be a respectable character. The Black Rebel would be played by Kenan Thompson.
Hipster Rebel: Doesn’t try; makes fun of everyone for trying to reach their goals. He would be played by Michael Eisenberg, marking the first film where it’s revealed that Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg are, in fact, one and the same. The long-time hoax was to score more acting roles, due to his handicapped acting abilities.
There is plenty of action to behold between our heroes and the bad guys. Why, those hot-headed, half-assed henchmen chase our perfect, powerful protagonists all throughout the city of St. Louis. They fight on the Metrolink, use various animals from the zoo to battle each other, and ferry chase while shooting at each other on the Mighty Morphin Mississipp (in which it rises and lowers, and spins without warning). I bet you lost your breath just reading that! Well, get your oxygen tank, because there are 12 other action sequences to endure!